Date: December 23, 2008
Mood: Quite good
Audio: U2, With or Without You


Ansuranai (if.. I'm correct.), I'm not going to cry and whine about how fucked-up my shoulder is. I'll nly say this: I had an echo of the muscle and its wise to take it easy and try to as much as possible different things on work, and that's exactly what I'm going to do. Just one more day left before I will get my well-deserved vacation. I can't wait to have the girl back by my side and waste time, photos and nights together.

Further, I'm not sure if I can pull it off to get a new piece of art online. I have too much on my mind, too many things I wanna do and in my head there's too little time for it all. So I won't promiss anything. I will not say that I'll get a picture or three online or something because right now I'm not sure wether to keep my promis or not. Also, I haven't drawn in days, neither have I photographed or used the tablet. I wanted to make a South Park X-mas card, but due to circumstances (and lazyness) it will not be finished. If I try to finish it it'll be mseed up, so I'll try to take a picture of my cat with the X-mas hat, but yet again.. I will not promiss it. So, as far as the CB-update goes, check out tomorrow or the day after. I will not upload any pieces of art on either CygnumB or deviantART during the vacation.

About my job (for the last time, yes, don't worry), I send over my CV to IKEA almost three weeks ago and I had already given up when I yesterday saw they replied to it. It said they'd look into it and contact me within the next two weeks, be it positive or negative. I guess. So I'll wait another two weeks and after that I'll continue my search for a better job.

Now about the 'hysterical' part. Err, well.. I was frustrated. I had the feeling my father didn't believe me and thought that I called in sick more than I needed, and used my shoulder as an excuse. Right now I'm still not sure and am still annoying by it, but yesterday something inside of me snapped. It felt like didn't believed me to my word and thought he said I was a liar, more important he didn't trust me on my word. I can't stand it when people act like that and start to raise their voices, especially my father so I went upstairs, almost hyperventilating and crying. Zumi was here too and sat next to me while I kept sobbing. After she came back from the toilet I asked if my father was there and if he was, I would yell at him. Not a few minutes after I stood up, screamed "DAD" angrily and rushed downstairs. But, he wasn't there and I found myself in front of my mother, crying, pissed off and my hand made of fists of pure anger and frustration. I yelled I was sick of him, his actions and wanted to know where he was, told her I hated him. When I went up my mother tried to calm me down and pulled me kinda in her bedroom, while I was still screaming that I hated Christmas, that he didn't believed me, that I was sick of him, that I hated him and that I didn't care at all anymore. Not long after he came upstairs and we talked. I still had the feeling (as do I have it now) he partly doesn't believe me on my word when I say I only call in sick when my shoulder hurts. I screamed that I always went to work even when I had headaches, stings in my head, when I was sick and asked why the hell he didn't believe me. After talking with both of them I eased down and later got up to my room with Zumi where I fell a sleep again in bed with her.

I don't like it when I'm like that. I hate the part that can get outta control and make my anger come up. I have this big ass agression problem and I am aware of this, but if I had not screamed my lungs out (you wouldn't believe how my voice skipped tones when I screamed xD) I probably would have done stupid. And by doing stupid I would be meaning grabbing a knife or scissors. That's what I thought too. Everytime I feel down, upset, frustrated my head plays a video of cutting my flesh, hurting myself or even the worst; Taking my own life. I've kept this a secret for quite some time, but I have a problem with myself and I used to 'do stupid'. When I was 8, I made a suicide-list, cause I wanted to die. At that time I didn't even know what it meant or what it exactly was, but now I do. I should be proud of myself that I got help, but it was for my own interest, if I hadn't, I would have sliced my own wrist. Right now, I don't know why I'm telling this but I guess people need to know I'm not perfect. I'm not always fine, I don't always smile and I have a wall that crumbles slowly. Though I am lucky to be social still I have issues, like many have. Perhaps, I'll tell my story again on dA, or make a journal of it and put it online, I dunno. All I know is, that I'm far from being cured by it all. Perhaps I'll never think of it again, or perhaps, I'll warn people that getting help.. Really helps. I thought it wouldn't help me, but even if it's going slowly.. It helps.