 With his band Soundwave now touring the UK, drummer Julian Jonsson was kind enough to offer us some insight on the band, his life, and his solo side project StopSlowGo. But after sitting down with the band in the Hard Rock Cafe in Manchester, any hopes of asking questions myself went out the window when vocalist Alfie Laine jumped into the hotseat and took the reins with the interrogation, taunting Jonsson and otherwise monopolising the interview. Julian had no complaints. Alfie: Firstly, the important questions. How many times have you been naked in public? Julian: Does the delivery room when I was born count? There was more than five people present. AL: No. JJ: No? Alright. There was the night you pantsed me at that bar in Sydney and "accidentally" got my boxers down as well. Also, I may or may not have stripped later that same night after tequila shots. I can't remember for sure. AL: You did, it was to "Master and Servant" by Depeche Mode. I was on the bar next to you. Also, it was a gay bar. JJ: Was it? I had no idea. Maybe the guy inviting me into the bathroom should have been a clue, but I get that everywhere I go. AL: Did you go with him? JJ: He was wearing motorcycle chaps, Alfie, what do you think? AL: No. You like cowboy chaps. Moving on. AL: Do you think joining a gang is a bad idea? Or does it foster a sense of belonging and responsibility? JJ: I think it depends on the person. AL: What about you and me? JJ: Well, I was actually going to use the band as prime examples. Cody would probably kick all sorts of arse in a gang, because he is big but also unintelligent so he is tough enough to hold his own yet requires guidance and belonging to function, whereas you and I are free spirits. We are also wimps. We would be on the receiving end of a drive-by within a week. AL: What about a hippy gang? JJ: You mean we're not already in a hippy gang? AL: When did we join the hippy gang? JJ: Who was that long haired man with the headband that was smoking pot with us and talking about oysters? I thought he was our hippy master. AL: My Dad in 1972. JJ: Did we enter a timewarp? AL: It's astounding. Time is fleeting. JJ: It's just a jump to the left.. AL: If I keep this going we'll jump up on the table and dance, SO. Moving on, again. AL: If I went to your place right at this very second and got hungry and raided your fridge, what would be in it? JJ: My place? Right at this very second? Port Augusta is quite a jog from Manchester, Alfie. AL: Did I neglect to mention I can also fly? JJ: Among your many other talents. AL: I have a few! JJ: Some we can't disclose in this magazine, for fear a child may get their hands on it. AL: The answer is head. JJ: MOVING ON. What was the question again? AL: What's in your fridge. Right now. JJ: Milk, cheese, eggs, avocados, tomatoes, fizzy drink... all but the latter is going to be a little over ripe by the time we get back from tour. AL: Can I make a chicken and avocado sammich when we get back? (N.B.: He really said sammich.) JJ: Leave my avocado alone. AL: Eff your life, Julian Michael. What if I made you one? JJ: Would there be mayo? AL: My own special blend. JJ: I just threw up in my mouth a little. AL: Along with the world, Jules, along with the world. JJ: When are you going to ask about the bands? AL: Right now. AL: How is StopSlowGo... going? JJ: Well, the album was released earlier this month. Not so sure if I'm going to do a tour for it since Soundwave is actively touring. AL: We'll come with you! It'll be just like Soundwave tour, but with better music! JJ: Oh yeah, definitely better music. I feel like StopSlowGo has a recipe to create its sound. You take some funk, add a dash of soul, and a heaping tablespoon of sexy. AL: It's like all my brothers. Except good. JJ: Very good. Go on. AL: Can I ride on your coattails to success? JJ: Coats are so last year. 2008 is all about American Apparel hoodies. AL: Paired with vests from Dior Homme. And pants by Marc Jacobs. JJ: Ohhh my God, Marc Jacobs... AL: If you're wondering why I'm sitting like this, it's to hide the boner. AL: So, Jules. Ralph Lauren. Discuss. JJ: Perfection embodied as a sassy and talented older gentleman. I would like to take him home and allow him to be my sugar daddy. AL: Will you move into a lovely townhouse next to the one I'll be living in with Marc Jacobs? Will we have afternoon tea, and luncheon together? JJ: There would be no time for tea and luncheon, because we will be making love every hour of every day. AL: Then how the hell am I going to get to use my bone china tea set now? JJ: Have naked tea parties with Marc. AL: Nobody wanted to imagine me naked. Why did you do that? JJ: Ask him if he'd like a teabag. (N.B.: This is where it starts getting out of hand.) AL: Would you like a teabag? JJ: Yes. AL: Cream? Sugar? JJ: Cream. I like it thick. AL: No problem. I've only got one stirrer. Not disposable. You'll have to lick it when you're done and return it. AL: And now we've killed the interviewer. Is he choking? JJ: I have never seen a person turn that shade of blue, except in cartoons. AL: What colour does a smurf turn when you strangle it? JJ: Purple. Not a deep purple, but shades of lavender, depending on how long its oxygen is restricted. (N.B.: These guys have kept a straight face the entire interview, I can't believe how deadpan they are.) AL: I would make a Deep Purple-related joke, but I'm just thinking now about how much that sounds like a gay porno. AL: Speaking of gay porn, your new single. JJ: Oh yes. I promised during our last television appearance that I would suck cock if that track became famous, didn't I? AL: I'd just like everyone to know, he DID suck cock for airplay. And it is a goddamn shame MTV censored that. Do you think it's because they're repressed? JJ: They just don't like me, man. AL: They should be on the business end of a good turkey slap. It'll sting, but if we ask Cody to do it, they might die of massive blunt force trauma. JJ: Cody would decapitate them. (N.B.: Oh God. Not again.) AL: Heads will roll. JJ: Literally! AL: Now I'm just imagining him flying into a berserker rage and just bashing the shit out of MTV execs with his wang. How good would THAT superhero movie be? JJ: Why so serious? AL: [Pantomimes cockslapping Julian] JJ: I think the interviewer has fallen asleep now. Unless he asphyxiated. AL: I think he died. JJ: Hello? Are you awake? AL: No. He's definitely dead. (N.B.: I'm not dead! But at this point, I am wondering how I'm not.) JJ: How will this interview make it to press? AL: That girl over there. The one checking out your arse. JJ: Girl! Come here! [Girl at next table looks over but doesn't approach] AL: Do you think she'll give me her number? JJ: I saw her first! Or, well, she saw me. My arse. Whatever. AL: I saw her first, actually. If I had my back to her, she'd be checking out MY arse instead. JJ: You have no arse. You are a skinny white boy. AL: With a fine arse. JJ: Flat arse. AL: There's plenty. [Forces Julian to grab his arse] Look, there's handfuls. JJ: Now compare it to mine. AL: You have the arse of a Latina woman, we all know this. (N.B.: I wish someone could have photographed my expression at this moment in time.) What? No, seriously, you have to touch it. It's like a work of art. |