Gordon Ramsay

Between me 'n' RomanMachine, we're going to do synopsi, nutritional charts and reviews.

An Asian cowboy. Tears. Swearing. More tears. Hell's Bitches. Even more tears. And no one on the women's team could cook an egg, because no one wanted to give Waffle House girl a chance. 'Cause you know, she's only ever cooked one or A MILLION in her time. I remember someone named Rock and Tiffany, only because Tiffany was the one who got the boot for the egg debacle. Other than that, well, what do you expect? It's only the first episode and I only watch it for Gordon anyway.

For the first time in Hell�s Kitchen (it reads better if you say it like the smarmy narrator), not only is a service completed by the second show, TWO services are completed� and both by the Red team, �cause the Blue team is sucking ass. Aaron exceeds his saline quota for the month by both crying AND sweating, and does his best to make sure the Blue team�s customers go home with a little reminder of the evening by not boning the fish properly. And yet� he lives to cry another day, because it�s little Too Much Pepper Eddie who gets thrown under the Ramsay Express and is asked to leave Hell�s Kitchen. Which, in Gordon-speak is, �Fuck off.�

Tonight we were faced with a moral dilemma- would you rather eat rancid crab or spaghetti that was picked out of the garbage? The women kicked ass in the breakfast challenge, and once again, had to help the men. (It was Waffle House Julia who really carried both teams.) Aaron will now cry somewhere else, as his �medical�condition gave GR the perfect opportunity to tell him he couldn�t come back, without risking Aaron stabbing him with a cleaver. Dinner service sees the men finally come together (and a plate of eggs smashed into Vinnie�s chest), while the women fall apart. Waffle House snobbery rears its head again as the Red team is asked to nominate 2 people for elimination. Fortunately, Spaghetti Jen steps forward to take her place beside Rancid Crab Joanna. Gordon answers our moral dilemma- bye, Joanna. As the teams walk away, he also gives us the best non sequitur of the show- �Fuck me, I can still smell that crab!�

Sorry, I have nothing to say because I�m still trying to figure out why eating in the dark with Gordon Ramsay seems so damn sexy.

Okay, so I vaguely remember a couple of other things.

The problem with not doing these write-ups straight away is that I forget what happened in the ep, and it doesn�t help that even with recording it, it just seems to be Melissa, Melissa, Melissa! With her soul patch or whatever the hell that is growing under her bottom lip. But let�s see if this is close- there was a wedding reception of some kind taking place at HK and the 2 teams had to come up with dishes for the would-be bride and groom to sample. All goes well until we see the fruits of Melissa�s �I�m the leader� campaign, which is a lame duck. No, really. This duck dish just sat there on the plate, naked and dry, because for whatever reason, Melissa didn�t designate someone to make a sauce for it. Ramsay covered it gently with a napkin, and I swear I heard him mutter last rites. The Red team loses and their punishment is to decorate the restaurant for the reception. Melissa, who apparently decided to choose this week to stop taking Ritalin, micromanages the punishment to the extent that she wants to colour co-ordinate the mints! Blah, blah, blah, we get to the dinner service where the women bomb and JP very evilly sends the fey wedding planner to talk to Gordon. (I love you, JP!) It�s obvious Melissa is gone. Or is she?? Nope. To make up for the fact Asian Cowboy Aaron had to leave the show unexpectedly, we�ve got a by-week and Melissa is saved. But she�s sent over to the Blue team. Rock just about chokes on his smug.

�Under da sea/Under da sea/Here in Hell�s Kitchen/Da Rock won�t stop bitchin�/And I ogle Chef Ramsay!�

Yeah, so it�s not Shakespeare. Sue me. In a nutshell- Gordon calls Melissa a gremlin TWICE, he admonishes Brad for giving him a risotto �as a little gift I don�t even fucking need�, it�s Lobster Night at HK, the women win the challenge which is a photo shoot with In Touch magazine, Rock loses his shit over it, the Blue team are forced to sort out the recyclables, Rock loses his shit over it, the women win the dinner service, Rock loses his shit over it, and Melissa gets sent home. I think that made Rock happy, but I couldn�t tell underneath that surly bitch face.

So we�re down to three women and three men and I�ve yet to see anyone competent enough to run this alleged restaurant in the GVR. (Julia lacks the knowledge, or I�d pick her in a heartbeat.) The men win some challenge I don�t even remember and get to go paintballing with Gordon. The catch is- it�s 3 against 1. In an odd parable sort of way, this sums up the Blue team�s weakness instantly- 3 men trying to do everything themselves with not an iota of teamwork. Ramsay, bad knee and all, totally hands them their asses. HA-ha! Back at the kitchen, Bonnie fucks up the delivery by not checking all the boxes, and later, just so we don�t forget she�s blonde, forgets to turn on the stove. Chef is quite impressed. Or, you know, not so much. Julia, who kicked ass with her NY strip idea, nominated Bonnie for elimination, and the Blue team nominated Brad. Maybe they felt guilty for leaving Josh in the weeds with those lamb chops, even after Ramsay yelled at them to help out? Perhaps. Either way, in a move that rather surprised me, it is not �What chicken?�/forgot-to-turn-on-the-gas Bonnie who leaves- it�s Brad. Next week, the teams merge and the fun really begins!