We'll review this without the UK comparisons, because quite frankly, there is no comparison. No GR voice-over and no revisits. Hell, the 1st ep didn't even have GR changing into his chef whites on camera!! Thank Gord, that oversight was rectified by the 2nd ep. Too bad about the rest. That being said, wild horses and a colony of cockroaches couldn't drag us away from our weekly Gordon fix! Check out the official site.
September: Season Two has started!!
Is it the food, the state of the kitchen, the staff, or the mook in the $3000 suite, $15,000 watch, $70,000 car and $1000/per session bleached teeth that's responsible for the state of "Peter's"? While FOX will no doubt regale us with horror stories of the first 3 choices (see: next week's ep!), in the series' premiere, we were graced with 'roid-rager extraordinaire, Peter "mob wannabe" Pellegrino. Add in a mob bookie "bill collector" and all this Sopranos' poor cousin needed was Gordon to find a horse head in his bed. As it was, he did find rotten food, a kitchen where only one stove worked, and a 35+ year old orange-utan who was comp-ing dinners to friends and dipping into the till. Fortunately, a new cooler was installed, the kitchen got a complete overhaul by Gordon's kitchen faeries, and Peter experienced the fasted 180 I've ever seen. (You just know as soon as the show wrapped up, he "bought" champagne for the entire crew, comp-ing it to the restaurant.)
Line of the night (in response to Peter admitting he pays $1000 per visit to get his teeth bleached): "I just brush mine twice a day."
I'm twitching even as I write this. And that's just remembering sleazy Martin, the general manager (1 of 3 managers!). Wait 'til we get to the cockroaches Gordon found in the basement! Oh, where to begin? Gordon getting a vegetarian dish that had meat in it? The flies that were his dinner companions? The general manager who liked to get his hair stroked by the waitresses while he lay on the booth seats? The rotten tomato? The moldy hamburger? Did I mention the cockroaches?? *twitch* "I ate here!!" Gordon exclaims in horror as he finds rotten food after rotten food after rotten food. And the cockroaches. Had I been Gordon, I would have just recommended someone "accidentally" leaving a candle near the billowing white sheets that were meant to be walls (!) and start from scratch. In lieu of that suggestion, we got a good steam-cleaning, another makeover, a revised menu, a new cutie Indian chef/consultant, and a firing of one of the managers. Can you guess which one? Hint: Martin Hyde filed a multi-million dollar lawsuit against Ramsay et al for portraying him in a poor light and making him lose his job. (He actually quit.) Please note this lawsuit also claims "Ramsay is physically coercive (about 6'3" and 220 pounds); a Captain in the British Special Forces (23rd SAS unit); a skilled practitioner of martial arts; and quite capable of defending himself against physical attacks... commonly regarded as the hardest man Britain since he became the UK's bare-knuckle champion after beating the current gypsy champion in a twenty two round marathon in a freight container yard in Hull." LOL! If that's not the icing on this ridiculous cake, I don't know what is. (I just wouldn't eat the cake. Cockroaches!)
Line of the night: "General Manager? General Tosspot!"
Meet Chef Billy and his wife... whose name I've already forgotten. Meet Mike, the tip-stealing, sign-loving, discount-giving, buck-passing high strung egomaniac "manager". No cockroaches in this ep, no rotten food. Just a manager who has no freakin' idea that 1. the restaurant isn't his, 2. you shouldn't give 50% off coupons for the meal the customer JUST ATE, and 3. he needs to just suck it up, rather than respond to every negative situation with, "It's not my fault!" Another makeover, another tough love speech by Gordon, another miraculous turnaround. NEXT!
Line of the night: "Oh, fuckin' hell man, get me out of here!!" Followed by an entire exclamation of disbelief from Gordon that was bleeped. Every single word.
Meet Momma Irene. Meet Momma's boy, Peter, who's also the tepid manager of the Seascape, a restaurant that has crappy crab cakes (don't they all this season??), powdered cookies, chefs that are stealing food in a large dog food bag (though not to be mistaken for a "doggie bag"- this was an actual large Purina Dog Chow-like bag), and a debt that ran close to a MILLION dollars. Cue the now-standard makeover and new menu. But as an interesting sidenote, the restaurant is sold after Gordon leaves, leaving a sceptical viewer to wonder if the Mom & son duo didn't do it all for the free publicity and free makeover. Cynical? Us? No!
Line of the night: (Staff to Peter) "He's choking on your mother's cookies."
The usual- business is in the tank, owner is in complete denial, Gordon comes in on his white horse (or in this case, black motorcycle) and saves the day. We also got a salad served through a funnel (!!), an owner who gets his best lines from "The Breakfast Club", and a waitress who says things like "presentate" and "disranged". To fix everything, Gordon spends about five minutes walking through the town and discovers there aren't any steakhouses. So *presto!* The Olde Stone Mill is now a steakhouse. The end. (Oh sure, there was more research done than that, but if FOX can't be bothered showing us things like restaurant research, price management/cost effectiveness of food and menus, then we can't be bothered pretending there's anything else to it.)
Line of the night: (Gordon pleading to the cameraman) "Please don't make me eat any more of this shit."
Gordon has at last left New York, but you know, it's just the same old shite. Yet another owner who begs the question- is he an actor who wants a restaurant or a restauranteur who wants to act? Okay, in this case, Sebastian raised another question- are you fucking 12 years old?? Where to begin? If we started with his 20 or 21 or 23 combinations pizza menu (even the waitstaff couldn't agree on the number), would that be sufficient evidence that this guy is a moron? How about his obsession with franchising a pizzeria he couldn't even keep above water without his rich wife's $300,000 input? How about if we told you he lobbed a lameass retort to Gordon, then did a touchdown dance and declared, "I won that one!"? I think the less virtual ink given to this douche, the better. Suffice to say, makeover, drama, miraculous turnaround, lather, rinse, repeat.
Line of the night:He's off his fucking trolley!
Line of the night #2:(About the professional pizza throwers he brought in) They're going to teach you how to be world class tossers. (Lost in translation if you're not familiar with British slang! *grin*)
Sorry, I spent the entire episode alternately fascinated and creeped out by how much the chef, Brian, looked like a leprechaun. I kept waiting for Gordon to tell Bud, the owner, "If you find Brian's fuckin' pot o'gold, all your problems would be solved!" Alas, that never happened. Instead, it was more of the same- magical makeover, magical personality turnaround, magical Lucky Charms. Or maybe not that last bit.
Line of the night:(Bud, during GR's meal) I don't think he even likes the water.
Line of the night #2:Gordon retching in the toilet.
(Sung to "Layla" by Derek and the Dominoes)
What do you do when you have an employee
Who's eating all your profits on the side?
You've been pretending and ignoring far too long
Gordon's gonna tan some hides!
He tried to give you consultation
Forget the Hershey chocolate sauce
While you're at it, bin the packet 'tatoes
And remind everyone that you're the boss
Gordon's trying to make the best of the situation
With a rapper in the kitchen
Who can't keep the cooler stocked or clean
And doesn't know beef from chicken
Lela, your restaurant's on its knees
Lela, you're begging Gordon "Please"
Lela, your finances are in a real bind
Line of the night:For what we are about to eat, may the Lord make us truly... not vomit.
Finn McCool's gave us a taste (and Gordon a sick tummy), but this was probably as close to the UK version as we'll ever get from FOX. No 12-month old mold, no cockroaches, no manufactured drama; just a guy who was making wrong business decisions. We got to see less eye-rolling situations and more business advice. Smaller portions, budget control, staff morale boosting, and community advertising. And I have to say, it may be the only restaurant this season that I'd actually consider visiting.
Line of the night:Sorry about the old bag.
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